that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
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I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
if a staircase can spiral so can i.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
My boss said to me,
“Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?”
I said, “It’s because I’m allergic to fcuking peanuts!”
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
