that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
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If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
i don’t need to touch grass i need to touch one million dollars cash
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.