That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
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My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.