That’s what I call a flat tire
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[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Me: *staring at leftovers* I think I’ll save the rest of this for later.
[10 mins later]
Also me: I guess this is later enough.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Buck naked
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.