Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning

[speed dating]

Her: I’m a little bit country.

Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.

Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”

“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”

“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”

out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted

I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am

The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.

Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.

My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds

I feel like once your going to these lengths you can spring for separate room for the toilet

[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”

OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?

ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex

Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.

Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.

Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-

Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!

I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”

If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore

my mental health would drastically increase if I could be involved in a heist like once or twice a month, even better if there’s a fun montage included

If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.

Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.

It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.

been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou

Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty

This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.

DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too

I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.

i shaved my chupacabra for this?

When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.

[sending smoke signals]

*your*

*house*

*is*

*on*

*fire*

A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.