That’s what I call a flat tire
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you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.