“That’s what” – She
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I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
only 11 steps left
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’