“That’s what” – She
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skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
It’s nice that the nations of the world have all agreed that movie tickets should be half price on Tuesdays. Something to build on as we forge a global consciousness
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit