“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
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Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
when a toddler tells a story
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
It’s that simple 👊🏻
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”