Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.

Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom

Overheard the most hilarious conversation on my morning commute, then realized it was just me talking to myself in my car.

I need a vacation.

Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.

“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people

Mornin

I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:

At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them

It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.

Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.

My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband

Him: “Age is just a number.”

Me: “Technically, age is a word….”

Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.

How to beat depression:

1) Talk to someone

2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.

Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.

I am never leaving this website

Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”

Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”

“Nom nom nom”

– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food

SQUARREL

Me: How much for the round lizard

Grocer: That’s a lime

HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.

Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.

Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition

Me: oh no

Doctor: and then you were in an accident

Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:

Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?

15: good

I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.

Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.

My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”

“I need a beer, you want one?”

– me, helping my son with his Legos

My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly

I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.

Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.