“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
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Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.