“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
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Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Science is fun!
#nottrue
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes