Thaw me like one of your french fries
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If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
sistine chapel
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.