Thaw me like one of your french fries
You Might Also Like
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
in the ocean
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
I wonder if new batteries in my milk frother feels to my coffee and creamer what a fully charged vibra… you know what, never mind.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.