the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
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independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
“Whistle while you work”
~The boogers in my nose
If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.