Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.

Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”

Any refunds available?…

Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO

Me – how about a Border Collie

Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding

Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?

I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.

Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.

[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over

Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion

Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.

My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week

Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.

I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.

Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?

Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.

I swear some people should be banned from cooking

KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!

ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?

KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.

Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!

It will always be this

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.

Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.

My husband knows this now.

A rapper that raps for hours on end just to make the show longer.

Fiibuster Rhymes.

inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no

I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”

Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.

I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.

Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks

I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.