Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks to a fan for this one.

Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.

Her: I made us cheeseburgers.

Me: uh oh.

Happy Caturday!

First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.

Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.

Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.

Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.

Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing

[hotel]

me: do you offer turndown service

concierge: sorry no

me: thank you

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.

good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here

bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it

good cop: god he is so bad at everything

The saddest part of nuking my old account is losing a thread I live tweeted on a flight during which the couple next to me got in a fight over the guy wanting to wear shorts to a wedding. It was the only time I’ve paid for wifi on a plane bc it turned out the wedding was THEIRS.

Wife: how’s potty training been today?

Me: he peed twice!

Wife: that’s great!

Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.

Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity

Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here

Satan: wait no

[a melon-choly exchange]

Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married

Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me

*annnnd, scene*

Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift

This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.

If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.

I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.

I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

Tough love is true love

*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country

Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.

Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!

Kids: Yay!

M: See you in a week!
*slams door*

Kids: …

[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato

13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.

Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong

Me: challenge accepted.

Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.

Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat

Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”