The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
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Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.