the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
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*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Education is vital
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.