Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.

me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.

me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH

*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*

Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.

When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.

stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen

Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.

My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.

She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.

Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.

3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–

Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.

[Veterans Hospital]

GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?

ME: Haha, well…interesting story

People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.

I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.

At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…

Rudolph with your nose so bright/help me find my phone tonight

“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”

THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???

By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?

We like the way Dwight thinks

If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.

The first one, obviously

Relationship- Significant other

Writer- Significant Author

Round Table- Significant Arthur

Corporations- Significant Auditor

Zookeeper- Significant Otter

*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*

My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me

first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?

Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now

[argument w/girlfriend]

HER: you know what your problem is?

ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out

That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.