Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™

I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.

The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.

The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?

My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force

I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow

my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work

Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.

If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.

My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny

Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate

A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.

Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?

don’t never drink and drive. drive high.

I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?

Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense

Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.

If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.

Me: I like naughty girls

Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*

Me: Not you

(Gaming support cat.)

HER: I’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME:

HER:

ME: did the dog put you up to this

Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.

Again.

At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?

My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him

[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacist

Her: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”

Check out the legs on this baby