the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
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You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah