Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?

Me: He has moved on to a better place.

Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!

Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.

ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else

HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again

If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m at 6%

professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger

From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills

The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.

Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.

Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.

I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!

Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!

Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds

“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.

I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”

Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.

You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …

I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”

I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.

Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet

When your boss says it’s not a two person job.

Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.

a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people

I like my coffee like I like my men

Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away

What have you done…🐈🐾🥴

Sound On..🔊🆙

When did razors get so expensive?

Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave

PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected

ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!

pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest

me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x

pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here

me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands

me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!

me when i get home: crackers

Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.

Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.

Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!

Mailman: whatcha doing

Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry

Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor

Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most

I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.