The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
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*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
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nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
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me: wait for what
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.