Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cauliflower: *ring ring*

Textiflower: *ping*

oh good, now I can stop drinking

You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.

I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver

7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.

Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”

why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too

If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.

Me: i’m so hungover.

Wife: what do you need?

Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.

Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*

If you are reading this then you are reading this

[in a steel doomsday bunker]

FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.

ME: No!

[something strikes the side of our bunker]

I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.

Therapist: Where do you see this going?

Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.

My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.

Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.

WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you

*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.

Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car

If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.

Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder

HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!

A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.

I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.

I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.

Husband: *singing pop song*

Tween: Mom, do something.

Me: *starts dancing*

[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry