Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!

God: you’re very small.

Ant: ok.

God: but really strong.

Ant: how strong?

God: you can-

Ant: can I lift a piano?

God: well-no.

Ant: can I lift a car?

God: no.

Ant: can I lift a-

God: you can lift a leaf.

Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.

Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.

Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.

I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.

A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.

Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?

I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?

Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.

“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad

Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.

My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?

Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*

My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.

I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros

My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil

With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.

An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.

Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.

I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.

*adds humanitarian to resume

In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.

My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.

I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.

Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.

Me: When can you operate?

*lighting a candle*

Doctor: When we find you a new liver.

“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”

“Anything in between?”

“Nope”

[Standing ovation]

“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.

Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!

Me: *changes the WiFi password*

my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area

Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.

Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.

Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.

Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise

why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs