Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!

ME: Thanks. You too!

BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.

*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing

Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no

[after sex]
her: you were really loud

me: *putting down my trombone* yep

GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]

I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her

me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start

Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…

TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:

5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.

Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.

“What was your favorite part of the trip?”

My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”

Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.

Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing

Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.

Me: you feel like doing something?

Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill

Me: maybe after the killing then

I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.

[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm

8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment

good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler

*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*

This contest is hard

My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”

Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:

“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”

[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute

[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord

i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.

-kids

If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.

[rolls down car window]

“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”

Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!

I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time

I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles

And guys you’re not going to believe this but….

Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.

Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.

I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol

Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?

me: *gets in the cart* yes.