@bingowings14

The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.

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@WheelTod

I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field

@FredTaming

me: bless me father for i have sinned

mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time

@Lisa_Laughs_

The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.

@JanineEB4

My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.

@joerogan

This country has a mental health problem disguised as a gun problem and a tyranny problem disguised as a security problem.

@trojansauce

[as the bride enters the church and heads down the aisle]
ME: *clapping* BRIDE BRIDE BRIDE BRIDE

@drinksmcgee

I laugh at an ex who now dates an ugly man-pig…

Until I realize that maybe she has a type.

@truegritrumble

*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*

“Not again.”

@AGreaterMonster

If Twitter adds an edit button you’ll retweet “I like kittens” and ten minutes later it’ll say “I drink period blood.”