The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
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[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Is….Is this an option?
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.