I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
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me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Not to brag but I can produce cute children. DNA and all.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
This country has a mental health problem disguised as a gun problem and a tyranny problem disguised as a security problem.
[as the bride enters the church and heads down the aisle]
ME: *clapping* BRIDE BRIDE BRIDE BRIDE
I laugh at an ex who now dates an ugly man-pig…
Until I realize that maybe she has a type.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
If Twitter adds an edit button you’ll retweet “I like kittens” and ten minutes later it’ll say “I drink period blood.”