Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.

I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”

netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever

Babe, you’re just perfect for me

Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man

[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*

9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?

Me: Go to your room.

How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?

Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?

Nah man don’t buy AirPods. You need the Sony WH-1000XM5-WHCH720N-WF1000XM5-CH520

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*

who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies

*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats

[first date]

her: i love mysterious guys

him: good

me: [in the bushes] good

My favourite drivers are the designated ones.

Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.

Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?

British people this week:

“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”

[getting a ride home]

Me: ok keep going straight here

Train engineer: stop saying that

me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.

wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.

it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…

Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha

Personal trainer: what’s so funny?

Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running

Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.

I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.

I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”

Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades

Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this

‘How many lights do you wanton?”

“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”

~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.

In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif

[blind date]

HER: I’m a light eater

ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb

Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-

Me: Drinks?

W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY

Me: Margarita?

Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?

Great grandma: No.

Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.