@catlikethiefx0

The 1st rule of Female Fight Club is: You didn’t hear this from me! Seriously do NOT tell anyone I told you, I promised I wouldn’t tell.

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@lovemydogduck

My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.

@haleysfalling

patrick henry: GIVE ME LIBERTY OR GIVE ME DEATH
bad people: ok, death
patrick henry: [turns around and whispers] guys this was not smart

@TeaAndCopy

My wife said that to make our marriage work, we both need to make sacrifices.

I’ve chosen a goat.

@Michabean

Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.

@AngelaEhh

OMG you guys. I just got asked out. By a real live guy. I don’t know what to do!? Play dead? Duck and roll?

I’m so confused!!

@mrjohndarby

*releases swarm of killer wasps*

– ATTACK!

*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*

– Hmm… time for plan bee

@jilli212

Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year

@tsm560

No Brenda, Machu Picchu isn’t a Pokémon

@MissHavisham

6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.

@jeffswarens

By the volume of the pans clanging in the kitchen. I think I’m supposed to go volunteer to help with something