@MindyFurano
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
@catlikethiefx0
The 1st rule of Female Fight Club is: You didn’t hear this from me! Seriously do NOT tell anyone I told you, I promised I wouldn’t tell.
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@MindyFurano
@Browtweaten
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
@SaraMansford
Dear parents buying holiday gifts for teachers:
They don’t want candles or a Starbucks GC. They put up with your kids. They want wine.
@david8hughes
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
@rupinderpndhr
this is uni
@onedumbshark
When my doctor diagnosed me with surrealism I didn’t know what to candle wax forest upside down volcano coffin.
@MarfSalvador
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
@omgthatspunny
If you want a pretty nurse, you’ve got to be patient.
@JeffisTallguy
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare