@lovemydogduck
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
@catlikethiefx0
The 1st rule of Female Fight Club is: You didn’t hear this from me! Seriously do NOT tell anyone I told you, I promised I wouldn’t tell.
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@lovemydogduck
@haleysfalling
patrick henry: GIVE ME LIBERTY OR GIVE ME DEATH
bad people: ok, death
patrick henry: [turns around and whispers] guys this was not smart
@TeaAndCopy
My wife said that to make our marriage work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’ve chosen a goat.
@Michabean
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
@AngelaEhh
OMG you guys. I just got asked out. By a real live guy. I don’t know what to do!? Play dead? Duck and roll?
I’m so confused!!
@mrjohndarby
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
@jilli212
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
@tsm560
No Brenda, Machu Picchu isn’t a Pokémon
@MissHavisham
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
@jeffswarens
By the volume of the pans clanging in the kitchen. I think I’m supposed to go volunteer to help with something