my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
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I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.