Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*plot gets twisted.

plot: Ouch!

im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear

My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.

North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons

Catering service

“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”

I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster

* 9 comes in from playing outside*

Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.

9: Ha, not messier than my room.

Me: What?

9: What?

Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.

T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said

Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.

I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.

Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting

Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.

Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.

Me: [fails Captcha test]

Captcha: haha goptcha

SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN

Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma

Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories

Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table

Cop: Could I have your name?

Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.

*Send Bail Money*

I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.

I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*

sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana

[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.

[Christmas]

Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!

Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*

I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up

Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops

Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”

No One:

No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?

All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?

My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.