The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
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wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
absolute chaos
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”