Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wednesday

Mario: can I buy you a drink?

Peach: ew get a life

Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?

Petition to lower the retirement age. I’m tired now.

You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂

Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.

Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.

I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…

The Onion called it…again.

Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.

My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.

[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY

When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.

They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.

She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.

I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.

I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.

So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!

Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.

Her: Oh no.

Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.

Her: You already do that.

If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.

Cilantro tastes like soap.

– People who eat soap, apparently

Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.

I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.

Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi

Chameleon: hold on.

Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.

My wife is my rock.
Not only is she always there for me, but she looks just like Dwayne Johnson

I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped

Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”

Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.