Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*

I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.

Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.

I never needed anything more in my life

If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.

i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”

*leans in for a kiss*

DENTIST: stop that

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?

WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE

this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa

Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.

When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.

Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent

Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated

*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*

Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…

“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.

“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”

Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano

[Halloween]

Lady: what are you this this year?

Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.

Lady: *faints*

[exam room]

me: *waits patiently*

doctor: *enters physicianly*

Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.

[before surgery]

doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?

me: yes, every night

PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.

I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire

Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode

I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.

I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.

Dear Fox news,

I have yet to see any news about foxes.

Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.

I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.

How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?

Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….