The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
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My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
speaking in tongues is a great way to quickly end a bad first date
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
traffic be dumb as hell cause what that first person in line be doing
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Ladies, why y’all do this?
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does