Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: good morning, Linda

Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice

“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently

I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.

GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”

Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️

Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.

live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm

Me: I just ran into your brother.

Friend: How’s he doing?

Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.

My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?

They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.

*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*

Wife: OMG, Are you OK?

Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!

Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.

Me: Wait, What??

*snowstorm rolls through*

*work closes*

Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”

*daycare closes*

Me: “I wish I was dead.”

Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.

BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?

SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.

The pasta is now

me: can we go to the steakhouse?

him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous

please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation

Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.

If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.

The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…

I’m gonna miss that baby…

Met a hot girl in the bar.

She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.

Close call…

Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!

[2052 pre-apocalypse]

Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world

Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS

7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.

Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz

Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it

Dorothy: [inhaling]

Toto: FFS

Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree

Rorschach: I did

Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.

Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.

Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.

Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?