Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.

First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is

Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.

boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!

me: haha yep ti–

boss: tacos!

me: tacos!

ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory

ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back

*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*

Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat

Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?

Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets

Slide to the left, now slide to the right
criss cross, criss cross, cha cha real smooth

– the groceries in the back of my car

When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.

judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God

Used to be a hairdresser. Once when trimming a bob my pinkie finger slipped into the clients mouth. Awkward eye contact ensued. We’ve been married 24 years. Only joking, he never came back to the salon.

DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting

my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full

me, carrying 8 grocery bags:

LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.

DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.

British people: Unicycle

American people: Collegecycle

Jesus, take the wheel!

*steering wheel disappears*

*car careens into tree*

If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.

[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]

Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?

Good morning, Twitter 😊

My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard

God: you can go on land and water.

Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?

God: that’s where you live.

Turtle: oh my gosh.

God: what?

Turtle: I have a house boat!

I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.

Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.

It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.

(No offense, Andrea.)

per my last wtf

I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.

Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.

People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.

i have one of these at work and when i get bored i plug it into the outlets

“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy