Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course

Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings

This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly

#getstudying #college

The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.

Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials

After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?

I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot

If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’

😂😂

DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up

ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?

DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want

Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.

If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science

They say that sex is the best form of exercise.

Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.

WIFE: Where’s the dog?

*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*

ME: I let him outside.

Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.

“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.

2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*

Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?

Me being confident.

I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?

The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.

There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.

Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?

Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.

.

It’s crazy that we get one toothbrush as a kid and we have to use it once a week for the rest of our lives.

My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.

I would never let MY child act like that.

-things my friends without kids say.

Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible

I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.

“Where do babies comes from?”

Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.

Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.