Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.

8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!

me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.

“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz

Webb. James Webb.

Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??

Me: you need to do your homework

9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself

I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.

Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?

Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.

Me: *sits* *bounces*

Salesman: What do you think?

Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.

Salesman: Please leave.

One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.

Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead

👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!

me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,

Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.

My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.

Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.

My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now

My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.

COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis

8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?

Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?

8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.

Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?

8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?

[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby

had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow

deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring

nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works

I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.

I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.

My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”