Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the vic

cop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning

me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?

*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away

[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?

Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭

“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”

Her: Do I look fat?

Him: Do I look stupid?…

Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.

I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE

DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?

DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.

The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language

My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.

My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.

The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate

when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone

If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British

When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?

Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300

You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again

-Plagiarists

Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.

Clubbing in my 20s:

Spills beer *everywhere*

Clubbing in my 40s:

Everywhere is so sticky!?

Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were

my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body

Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”

New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”

I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods

Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.

i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it

Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.

Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts