the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
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Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
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I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
If you’re not feeling the love from your kids, schedule a night out. As soon as you tell them a babysitter is coming they’ll suddenly remember they can’t live without you
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.
My bladder: Hahaha.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
If you want to avoid dementia, choose parents without it in their genealogy. Science shows everything is genetic. Especially intelligence
A little boy just said thank you after taking a sweet and then wished me a very enthusiastic merry Christmas