the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
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I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
lol
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know