the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
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I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
🐿️
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.