Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources

I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.

I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!

They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa

I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.

If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.

A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.

“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama

You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams

[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS

The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night

wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying

don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either

Wife: I think I’m going into labor!

Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?

we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on

Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit

Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.

Me: Secretly? No.

Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.

[10:06pm]

13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.

Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.

13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.

waiter: you wanna box for your leftovers?

me: i gotta fight you for them?

My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.

How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.

*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*

Sing it!

No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!

Thou shalt not commit adulthood

I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.

*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.

[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark

Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.