The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
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You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
That sweet loving feeling when your kids have been asleep for a couple of hours, the house is quiet, and then you hear one of them get up to pee and you’re certain that not an ounce of urine is actually landing inside the toilet
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!