The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
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When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Hi, it’s me. The guy who was just complaining about it being to warm in November. You might think this would preclude me from *also* complaining about how cold it’s gotten now but I contain multitudes.
My dog has chewed my resume. This explains the gap, right there
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
6 year old: I saw a car today that was kind of cool but very ugly. Have you seen it?
me: yeah, I’ve seen it
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!