The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs

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One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.


*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears



Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”


it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume


may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning


Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..


Thought I was meowing back to my cat for the past hour but it turns out it was just me and my dad meowing at each other from different rooms in the house


My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.


It’s pretty neat how owning a pool gives me an excuse to own every chemical needed to make a body completely disappear.