The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
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Get off my horse you stupid moon
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.