The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
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6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
The first one, obviously
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Voting is the worst group project
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”