The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
You Might Also Like
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.