@dogmustard

The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.

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@karanbirtinna

I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.

@kiel_phillips

What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?

@eedrk

It takes a big man to apologize, and it takes a small man to climb into a suitcase. all sizes of men have their power

@littleliterally

coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!

me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!

@Diversion50

[supermarket]

*Unpacks 60 items of groceries onto checkout area*

CHECKOUT GIRL: I have a boyfriend.

ME: Oh, OK.

*slowly repacks trolley*

@TheHyyyype

archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!

archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?

archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird

archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?

archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this

@HomeWithPeanut

To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.

@Gupton68

I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.

@LADaddy

There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.

I may never leave.

@juliussharpe

I don’t get why everyone talks so fast in old movies. What was the hurry? There was nothing to do back then.