The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.

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[while house is on fire]

Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.

Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?

F: but the house is on fire.

Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.


St. Patrick’s Day may just be an excuse to drink, but then again so is Ireland.


When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?


I don’t make spelling and grammatical errors I invent new languages. You ignorant Count.


Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.


I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.




Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios

Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*


My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?


A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.