@dogmustard
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
@julcasagrande
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
@TheTweetOfGod
St. Patrick’s Day may just be an excuse to drink, but then again so is Ireland.
@MCaparco
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
@Parentpains
I don’t make spelling and grammatical errors I invent new languages. You ignorant Count.
@wickedimproper
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
@stanleybehrman
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
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@squirrel74wkgn
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
@auty_schmotty
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
@HelloJessicaFox
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.