My dog can’t hear me when I yell at him to stop chewing on my flip flop but he can hear the crinkle of the Dorito bag from 3 counties over.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
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me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
8yo: why does mom eat half of your food?
Wife *evil glare*
Me *terrified* because I don’t want it.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
I’ve learned that you can buy a kitten with no problem, but you have to come back at a different time to buy the juicer.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties