I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
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What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
It takes a big man to apologize, and it takes a small man to climb into a suitcase. all sizes of men have their power
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
*Unpacks 60 items of groceries onto checkout area*
CHECKOUT GIRL: I have a boyfriend.
ME: Oh, OK.
*slowly repacks trolley*
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
I don’t get why everyone talks so fast in old movies. What was the hurry? There was nothing to do back then.