@dogmustard

The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.

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@julcasagrande

[while house is on fire]

Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.

Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?

F: but the house is on fire.

Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.

@TheTweetOfGod

St. Patrick’s Day may just be an excuse to drink, but then again so is Ireland.

@MCaparco

When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?

@Parentpains

I don’t make spelling and grammatical errors I invent new languages. You ignorant Count.

@wickedimproper

Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.

@stanleybehrman

I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.

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@squirrel74wkgn

Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios

Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*

@auty_schmotty

My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?

@HelloJessicaFox

A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.