THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
