The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
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I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.