The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
You Might Also Like
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
This will never not be funny 😭
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
I would probably have too much fun as a mortician asking customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking” as opposed to “Cremation” or “Burial”.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.