The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
You Might Also Like
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.