@PlainTravis

The 3 types of Christmas movies:

1. Movies about Santa.

2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.

3. Die Hard

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@_LUMP

People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.

@thesqueezysloth

Someone broke into my house and all they stole was my limbo stick. Like, seriously?! How low can you go?

@robdelaney

I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”

@Reverend_Scott

“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”

– idiots

@HlessHman

Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weird

Walking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)

@markedly

[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch

@robwhisman

if you see suicide squad be sure to stay after the credits. lots of people leave half empty containers of popcorn and you can just have them

@Parkerlawyer

I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.

@krisv_723

Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.