The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
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Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
i could never be president. im overqualified.
hacker: got them. all the social security numbers
boss: good work
[later getting back from the bank]
boss: ok apparently we need names too
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.