Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.

My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.

13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline

<——-Wants the burger

<——-Needs the salad

If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.

Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement

Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot

Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.

he chose this

Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?

Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?

i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying

We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign

5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?

Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?

Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.

BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell

[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me

*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.

The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.

My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.

As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word

You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.

But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.

quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing

Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

pizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less

Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.

Me in January: (stuffing tangled lights and ornaments into unlabeled boxes) Problem for another day!

Me in December: Son of a b****

How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.

I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective

Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.

Me: did you know cows have best friends?

Wife: really?

Me: yep!

Wife: how do you know that?

[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].

Me: I’m glad you asked : )