Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!

My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.

If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.

Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.

Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.

Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it

Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.

I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.

Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal

Wife: intercourse?

Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think

My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned

I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.

In 1978 my grandad tried to get a petition going to change the name of orcas to ‘seabras’ so the government made it illegal for him to ever talk about animals again.

my friends when i can’t do basic math

(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot

Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower

coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!

me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!

I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.

me: ted is coming over tonight

wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over

me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird

Me: How many legs does the dog have?

4 y.o: Five

Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.

4: There’s something wrong with the dog.

Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you

My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.

Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”

Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”

do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?

Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?

Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.

Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?

Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?

My Husband: Raising three kids

My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf

Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]

[ER Triage Room]

NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?

GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now

Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*

Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?

Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie

Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.

there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now