Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.

Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.

They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.

Me: I’m a mature adult

Also me:

kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween

dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work

kid: i didn’t-

dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch

I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.

Grandpa: Who’s that guy?

Me: Captain America.

Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.

Me: No, that’s Thor.

Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?

Me: Um… Yes?

Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.

TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”

Me: Heck yeah

TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️

Me: Wait a second

Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.

5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.

Me: Aw, you came to me.

5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?

The only problem I have with chocolate is that one minute it’s there and the next it’s not.

Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem

[ER]

Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet

Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg

D: Such as?

M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—

D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent

Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.

[job interview]

My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar

The government: You’re hired

olive garden manager: why are you quitting

waiter: i signed up to guard olives

*high fives my therapist*

“At least you tried.”

SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?

“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”

ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share

normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”

Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.

I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning

Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.

The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.

When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”

Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.

[later]

Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…

Jane: I miss England

Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant

I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.

If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.

My child just used the auto fill info on the iPad TO BOOK HIS OWN VACATION. Now I get to make phone calls explaining that we need to cancel these reservations because the gentleman who made them is in fact nine

Jfc

Her: I read on Facebook…

Me: I’m going to stop you there.

Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.

Coworker: Do you have any snacks?

Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?

Coworker:

Me: Top desk drawer.