The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
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I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
kids are all grown up so I guess it’s time to teach the cat to drive
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
The cycle continues
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Does anyone else’s spouse insist on eating and drinking in the car while driving?
My wife has spilled so much stuff in her car that it looks like the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was filmed inside it.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Easy ladies. The bulge in my sweat pants is just a sleeve of emergency cookies.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.