Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes

My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?

windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.

“Who’s sorry now?”

~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam

Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.

It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.

YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.

Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.

“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”

-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving

Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.

Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*

SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP

Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.

I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.

I should wash my van
We could use the rain

*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??

[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni

“Will.he.was”

-Will.i.am’s tombstone

[First day working in forensics]

Boss: I need you to dust for prints.

Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?

Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.

Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.

Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.

Me: Wait, what?!

I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.

My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.

Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.

My Son: It’s really fancy!

Me: It’s the best!

~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty

Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up

My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.

If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.

If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.

There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.

When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”

SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?

SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot

SLEEPY: I sleep a lot

GRUMPY: my wife left me

I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.

Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.

What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash