Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower

Guy: But-

Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave

Guy: *Drives away*

Woverine: Oh no you didnt!

What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?

If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.

I love cheese!

Cheese: I have a boyfriend

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.

ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.

When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.

*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”

Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.

[face to face with a serial killer]

Me: So this is how it ends.

SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.

My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.

What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.

Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.

Disregard this if you are in prison.

<—- homeless romantic

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class

boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am

Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.

It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.

[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.

My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?

Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)

My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.

We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields

Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…

ME: it’s like a dream come true

UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen

My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did

I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…

You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.

Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.

Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*

Encore…

Stress balls work better if you have good aim.