Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.

Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.

9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip

Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.

me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god

[CRIME SCENE]

COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!

PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*

“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350

If I was a bartender, anytime someone asked for a drink I would say “Why don’t you take a pitcher, it’ll last longer.”

When ever I read an autobiography, my biggest question is always, how the fuck did you remember all that?

You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”

me: point taken lol

guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening

My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder

So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now

I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE

Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”

It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118

There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.

ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers

KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed

Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws

My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.

The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace

Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok

People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be

Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”

Doctor: “…Oops.”

*slowly turns chart rightside up*

a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine

*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*

Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!

Ariel: But I like him.

Sebastian: What would your father say!?!

I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business

Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?

Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]