Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:

1) I don’t have a car

TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?

Women: no

TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people

Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW

👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!

Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.

I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.

Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!

Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.

You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor

I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.

Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.

Is he dead?

Is he dead?

Is she dead?

Is HE dead?

What about him?

Is SHE dead?

-My kids watching 80s music videos.

A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills

Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?

If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.

[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes

Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.

[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet

[at a mattress store]

sales assistant: what size are you looking for?

me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do

8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?

Me: No.

8: Can you check again?

*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????

The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.

Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.

Oldest kid: [Sick]

Youngest kid: [Sick]

Wife and me: [Staring each other down]

Wife: [Sneezes]

Me: Hahaha there can only be one-

Wife: [Sneezes on me]

me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up

boss: hey we’re in a meeting

me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me

GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?

GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?

Boxing is born.

A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’

*A Girl Passes by..*

Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”

New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.

Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate

[prison]

me: I think I’m breaking out

cell mate: no way that’s insane

me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad

My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.

I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”

Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.