Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error

Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box

No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.

JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*

If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it

caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind

[Walking my chihuahua]

Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”

Me: “Sure. Go ahead”

*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers

Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”

Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”

Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.

In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident

Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.

Sincerely, spiders

I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.

What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.

Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.

Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!

*wildlife shows up*

Home buyer: Not like that.

Alexa: *deep breath*

me: [jumping out of a cake]

skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience

no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision

My soul is possessed by fried chicken.

“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.

I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

My dog barks for 2 reasons:

1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.

According to math, I’m broke

Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?

– my brain at 2:00 am

me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.

Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.

If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.

fixed it

~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*

8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you