Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good

Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.

If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.

*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*

I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face

[applying for a home loan]

Lender: how much is your car payment

Me: uhh

Lender: what’s your salary before taxes

Me: umm

Lender: do you know anything

Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder

Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.

“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”

– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.

Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍

8 year old: we’re learning about ancient Rome at school

me: awesome! I’ve actually been to the Colosseum

8 year old: did you watch the people fighting?

Venn

[swimming pool]

Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?

Lifeguard: that’s impossible

Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable

My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle

It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.

Stranger danger is a very real thing.

They nearly always react badly to proposals.

“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.

Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.

No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age

These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.

Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?

trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff

whoever designed giraffes was extremely high

Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family

My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.

God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine

Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.

I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.