Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]

Date: Wow your knee is huge

Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need

Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call

New mindset, who dis?

MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger

Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”

Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”

my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk

When I asked my son who the best reader in his class was, he said, “probably ms sue.”

Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen

According to math, I’m broke

When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.

My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.

Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?

Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.

[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges

Me: And how is my eraser?

My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.

Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.

[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”

Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone

Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.

You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.

Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*

Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!

Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you

I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…

“What time is it?”

*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*

*Still has no idea what time it is*

Wife: Can you make the bed

Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon

Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink

Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]

I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do

If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.

My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.