Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.

me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people

boss: you’re not on mute

me: i know.

*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.

Everyone: *gasp*

Me: Just kidding you all are.

Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.

You don’t know.

“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎

🔊 Sound up

How to impress your ex:

1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex

“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow

[car accident]

Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!

Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?

If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.

Teacher: Name the five senses

Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashion

Teacher:

Me: *counting on fingers* What?

beware of dog
(jukin media)

First Date

Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.

Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*

My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.

*hands you baby*

Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.

Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question

[ancient greece]

teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis

hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine

socrates: I am examining what it means to be

ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear

It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.

According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.

Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian

[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.

Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “

Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”

If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.

“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door

Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?

Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.

Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”

Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants

Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.

Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!

Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.

I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.

HER: I think we should break up

ME: But…why?

HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue

ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction

HER: Or both