Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.

STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.

You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.

WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen

My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.

I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.

*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message

*walks up to bouncer*

“sorry pal, this is a private country club”

*peeks inside*

[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]

Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues

Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*

Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like

*walking into store*

Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*

Marriage level: Expert

I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.

I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”

Me, “*You’re.”

May have lost a new client but they learned something today.

Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person

[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?

I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.

Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.

“911, what’s the emergency?”

we were robbed. they stole the wireless router

“calm down”

also they shot my grandma or something. not sure

[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS

ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a

Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]

One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.

If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had

cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them

You: 2020 couldn’t get worse

Murder Hornet: Hold my venom

Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.

The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”

kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test

Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!

Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.