Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Opponent: I wish you luck

Me: Tha—

Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.

Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey

[at funeral] You really had to see him live

Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.

Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ

Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right

Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.

“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?

JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.

ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.

Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.

if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too

I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos

Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”

[driving]

ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly

WIFE: ok we’re almost home

ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!

[i run in]

ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee

“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time

Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.

I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.

[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard

No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.

So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.

me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact

If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.

Believe me, I looked.

But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”

I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.

Some women seated next to me are gossiping in French, they obviously think I’m some dumb American who doesn’t speak French and they are correct

Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.

Me: You a good personal trainer?

Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.

Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.

Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.

Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.

I trust that will be the end of that.

“Sheer Arrogance”

*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin

[homeschooling]

ME: what is 345 minus 127?

DAUGHTER: 218

ME: *filling out tax form* thanks