The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
I can’t work out if the pilot taxiing towards the terminal window is doing a huge yawn or his brakes have failed.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
