The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
They grow up so quick
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
doctor: do you drink alcohol?
me: yeah a couple times a week
doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
