Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.

nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed

a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs

i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”

I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭

Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.

I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.

Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.

Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.

[ explaining The Plan ]

jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs

god: look man, these ppl are idiots

The next wave of scammers will have old people call you

I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.

Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged

Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.

Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.

*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*

I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈

Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋

this made my day 😂

Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.

One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday

Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.

Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.

My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look

What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing

If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?

My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”

My dads mate was on a train and the guy opposite him was taking up all the room, being obnoxiously noisy, spreading his paper across the entire table, so after trying to speak to him twice, my dads mate SET FIRE TO THE NEWSPAPER.

Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?