Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”

i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere

[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww

🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶

5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.

Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.

Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.

*eats pizza out of box in bed

*falls asleep

*wakes up next to leftover pizza

Voila! Breakfast in bed!

Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.

ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped

I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.

My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again

Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.

If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.

Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs

Jeremy: That’s really cool dad

Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually

Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences

*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*

Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!

me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt

bf: ur what

me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok

bf: the what

me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—

bf: wh—

me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy

Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.

ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.

EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?

Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.

*files a restraining order against reality*

Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.

[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here

Wife: I am angry with you.

Husband: Again or Still ?

I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.

Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.

The real reason evolution started..😂

[typing]

Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?