Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.

Him: You know why.

Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*

PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-

ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.

PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.

ME: *gasps* How can you tell?

Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley

anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”

I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.

UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”

UK, 2020 –

*first day as zookeeper

(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”

Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.

The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea

So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.

My funeral better have a fkn merch table

Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.

Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”

If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin

Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?

Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.

Science is fun!

#nottrue

[In meeting]

Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.

I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.

Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big

I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.

Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.

Me: I’d rather just confess.

Detective: To what?

Me: Whatever

SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet

ME: [drives past turn]

SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]

“why do you take so long in the shower?”

me:

If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.

I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.

opening a flower shop called women in stem

My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.

Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.

No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.

I feel a bit deprived…….

If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?