Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that

didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off

Shaking hands is so weird:

“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”

So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?

not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately

MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?

MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?

MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?

ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—

M: so I’ve been thinking

*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*

Son: Being an adult is easier

Me: No way, childhood is

Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES

*Shooting star flies overhead*

Son: Wait this sucks

Me: No take backs

You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?

[me holding a door]

PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.

ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.

I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies

🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶

Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor

I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.

[job interview]

Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?

“Yes”

WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.

Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.

I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.

“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people

[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*

Go little guy, you’re free now.

My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight

Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it

😂🥴

If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.

Me: I’m on the carnival diet.

Person: You mean the carnivore diet?

Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.

My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.

I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday

Them: Tell us something about yourself.

Me:

An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.

My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.

date: I’m an expert in volcanology

me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?