Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”

Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.

Shout out to my kids.

BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.

*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*

Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!

Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat

A lot of folks out there missing the point…

I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.

Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started

Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.

The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.

“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”

If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.

I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.

2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.

How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight

3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.

I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.

My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.

My dogs are always 100% by my side, unless my kids are eating food in their rooms, which they are not to do. So, whenever I am sans dogs, I yell, “Get the food outta your room!”

Just heard my 10 y/o say to his Fortnite buds, “Omg you guys, I think my mom’s a witch!”

Success😎

This probably isn’t good

Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”

So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?

Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.

What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?

….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.

Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?

Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…

What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?

Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*

Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!

3: I wuv you Mommy.

Me: I love you too!

3: Don’t talk to me.

I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not

Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.

Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.

I was bored.