Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.

Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.

[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst

Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?

5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.

Me: You’ve never had coffee.

5-year-old: Exactly.

Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”

R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P

priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better

Day 1 of diet:

forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.

I want to meet the individual who made this

Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?

This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.

*first day as getaway driver

“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”

If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene

Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”

Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i mend relationships

professor boyfriend: oh wow

If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: why

Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued

Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure

Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma

Me: What’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.

Barman: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Barman: £3.

Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

Son: Facebook is for old people.

Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…

Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams

I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.

Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.

been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.

I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.

Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*

Waiter: is there a problem

Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.

Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.

“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…

Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?

indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure

idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again