The 4 stages of a family vacation
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My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
I know it’s traditional to start work at 9, but I think we could lower that age to 8.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets