Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes

They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff

I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING

Mom Math:

If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?

My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.

Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.

When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.

I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down

Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.

Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.

Boss: I had a dream about you last night.

Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.

* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *

A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.

[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder

me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]

just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake

My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget

Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.

15: Ok

Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.

15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.

My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.

is this a threat

I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.

Me: What do you want for dinner?

Child: McDonald’s.

Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?

Child: A Big Mac.

I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.

My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.

I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on

School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever

“Can I help you?”

“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”

“So, you’re here about the job?”

“Most indubitably.”

I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.

I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.

me: I’m looking for my wife

cop: can you describe her

me: she’s strong, independent..

cop: but what does she look like?

me: that’s not important

cop: it kinda is