Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too

waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”

I’ve started doing some weight training. I’ve already taught them “sit” and “stay.

Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting

My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.

“It all started when my mom met my dad…”

ME: I have very bad gas

BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what

ME: sorry I have very bad petrol

My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.

Once again I find myself asking “How long can I stay in the bathroom before one of my employees realizes I’m gone?”

People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.

[At 1st drive-thru window]

Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.

Me: Thanks

5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?

My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!

Until the dog humped the couch

If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.

Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t

If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?

[Bedroom at midnight]

*scary noises*

Husband: is… is someone in here?

*demonic sounds from the closet*

Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore

*sad demonic noises*

Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!

Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’

at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode

[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*

I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.

For those that worship cheese..

Me: When a door closes a window opens.

All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.

love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here

retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?

Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship

Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!

Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.

At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.

Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.